Ahh The Joys Of Childhood
by bloodredcherry
Summary: **COMPLETE**!!! Alien children on Enterprise, hilarity ensues! Anyways...read on to find out! R&R!!
1. Good Publicity

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Ahh the joys of childhood!

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Authors note: Another fluffy piece meant for a laugh! Hope you enjoy!

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Summary: For a bit of 'good publicity' Admiral Forest tells Archer to allow a group of rambunctious alien children on board _Enterprise_ with disastrous results!

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Disclaimer: None belong to me, well…except the children of course and Ajla.

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Rated: G

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:D

"Okay kids!" The exuberant grade school teacher exclaimed. "Today we're going to have a tour aboard the _Starship Enterprise._" She smiled widely at all her students who stood in front of her, their eyes wide with anticipation.

"Oh Lord," Trip mumbled.

"Why did we agree to this again?" Hoshi wondered.

"Because," Archer hissed, smiling at the pretty alien school teacher, "it's good for _Enterprise_."

Trip felt something tugging at his leg, he looked down and saw a small alien girl gripping his pant leg. Her skin was a blush pink and her hair was teal and hung in snarls around her shoulders, "why?" He wondered.

"Good for the commonwealth, we want people to trust us right? So it good publicity for aliens and humans alike."

Trip sighed and hefted the young girl into his arms. What he was not expecting was her two tails.

"I take it this was Admiral Forest's idea," Hoshi said smiling.

Archer grinned, "of course." The young alien school teacher came up beside the captain. She had the same fair pink skin, except her hair was a deep scarlet and she wore it up in a bun on top of her head.

"I hope this isn't a problem for you Captain," she smiled easily, showing her gleaming, pointy teeth.

"Of course not," Archer replied.

"The children can be a handful," the teacher explained.

"Its really no problem Ajla," Archer smiled.

"You don't say," Trip replied, as a gang of school children ran past, shrieking and giggling.

"Children!" Ajla shouted, "don't climb on the bulkheads! What did I tell you about pressing buttons Minly?"

Hoshi looked over just in time to see two small children scaling the wall in front of her. "Whoa!" She cried out as one skittered across the ceiling.

Ajla laughed uncomfortably, "children these days."

~*


	2. A visit to good old sickbay

"And this," Hoshi smiled, enjoying her role as tour guide. "Is the sickbay."

"Has anyone died before?" A blue haired boy asked eagerly.

"Well," Hoshi cleared her throat, "it happens but usually—."

"Was it bloody?" Another child wondered.

"Uh, why don't you ask doctor Phlox," Hoshi said as the children flocked towards Dr. Phlox.

"Oh my," he said, "isn't this an awful lot of children," he grinned happily at Hoshi. "I've always loved kids." He said.

Hoshi felt like laughing, he might eat those words after spending a few minutes with _these_ kids.

Phlox was just about to speak when the child that Hoshi knew as Minly picked up a hypospray and pressed it to the neck of the blue haired boy beside her.

There was a solid thump as he passed out on the floor. Minly grinned wickedly and proceeded to hypospray as many children as she could.

"Minly!" Hoshi cried out, just as Phlox snatched the tool out of her fingers. He sighed and lifted the blue haired boy onto a stretcher. He shot Hoshi a pleading look as he went to attend to the other fallen children.

"Uh," Hoshi spoke up, "why don't we go…um to the bridge!" She clapped her hands.

"We've already been there."

"Twice!"

"I wanna see the weapons," another child spoke up. And suddenly all the children were yelling at once. 

Somehow Hoshi doubted giving these kids a tour of the weaponry was a good idea.

"Remind me again Ensign why Captain Archer thought this was a good idea." Dr. Phlox asked.

"He said something about good publicity." Hoshi mumbled, directing the children out of sickbay. She snatched Minly's hand; deciding to keep a _close_ watch on her.

"I've never ever been on a ship this big before," Minly smiled.

__

Gee, I wonder why? Hoshi thought smiling pleasantly. She wondered suddenly how everyone else was doing with their charges. She hoped they were having as much fun as she was.

"No, no! What did I say about the buttons!" She cried out, throwing up her hands.


	3. Who cut the lights?

~*

"All right kids," Trip said looking down at Errin who held a tight grip on his left pinkie, "and these are the—," he was cut off when suddenly all the lights cut out. "Okay…" he said slowly, "who cut the lights?" He asked. No one replied. 

"All right," he closed his eyes. So no one was going to fess up. But he had a pretty good idea of who it was. "Computer," he said tiredly, "lights on." The lights cut back on and Trip saw Atom. A small boy with burnt orange hair with his finger inches from a panel of buttons. Trip sighed and Atom giggled.

"Okay then, who's hungry?" He wondered as the lights cut out a second time.

That was really short! Review please!!


	4. A mess in the...erm...mess hall

~*

T'Pol sat and watched the children before her. They all appeared to be having a great time causing as much mischief as possible. She simply sipped her green tea and watched as one child hang from the roof of the mess hall. A few others were finding great creativity in the reciprocator, asking for all kinds of bizarre foods.

"Sub Commander!" Crewman Cutler yelped, "aren't you going to help me?"

T'Pol surprised her urge to smile, the way these children were making everyone so frazzled amused her. (_she likes laughing in spite! Inside of course!)_ "It appears you're doing a fine job." T'Pol replied as a pile of mashed potatoes hit her square in the face.

All the children erupted in mad laughter and she suddenly decided she didn't like them so much after all.

"You were saying Sub Commander?" Elizabeth sighed as a carrot bounced off her nose. 

Suddenly a rain of foot pelted her from both sides, she wiped a hunk of mashed potatoes out of her eyes and saw T'Pol holding a boy with a look that was less than impressed.

Elizabeth heard more children giggling in the hall way and she shuddered. 

It was going to be a _long_ day.

"What happened?" Trip asked as he stepped into the mess hall.

"What do you _think_ Commander?" T'Pol snapped.

"Why Sub Commanded, is that a hint of anger I detect in your voice?" Trip teased.

"Of course not." T'Pol replied.

"So then, you're having as much fun as I am," Trip said wryly.

"Sir," Elizabeth said grinning, "it looks like you've made a friend."

Trip smiled and looked down at Errin. "You could say that." Errin's two tails twitched and she grinned happily revealing a whole where her two front teeth should have been.

"Isn't that cute!" Hoshi said leading her group of children into the mess hall.

"Touchin' ain't it?" Trip wondered

"Goodness," Hoshi said looking at the mess of food that was all over the seats and tables of the mess hall. As well as all over Elizabeth and T'Pol.

"I guess your kids are having as much fun as mine are," Hoshi said smiling tightly.

"I guess you could say that," T'Pol said, "all though I don't see how flinging food around is logical."

"It isn't," Trip replied. "But it sure is fun," a pile of mashed potatoes hit his right cheek.

"Please Sir," Elizabeth sighed, "don't encourage them."

"He can't help it Crewman, our Commander is somewhat of a child himself."

Hoshi blinked and Elizabeth pursed herself and tried not to laugh.

Trip glared and smiled without much enthusiasm.

It was going to be a _long_ day.


	5. Malcolms turn

~*

"What does this button do?" A girl with golden hair asked innocently, before Malcolm had a chance to reply she pointed at another, "what about this one? And this one? And this one? And this one?" The other children were milled around her wide eyed.

"Uh, nothing." Malcolm smiled, "they're just for decoration."

"So that means we can press them right?" Another child asked.

"What?" Malcolm cried out, "no!"

"Miss Ajla said we could touch anything that wasn't real," one girl said batting emerald eyelashes. "And if they're for decoration then that means they're not real."

Malcolm racked his brain for a reply, "they're special decorations that only grown ups can touch." The children stared blankly at him for a moment before nodding.

Malcolm let out a deep sigh of relief.

"My mom has one of these!" A girl named Dyanna pointed at a phazor, "she used it on one of her husbands and now she's in jail." Dyanna grinned, "but that's okay cause I have seven other Daddy's to look after me."

"Well…isn't that precious."

"You sound funny," another child named Kuinn pointed out, "your voice is weird."

"That's because I have an accent."

"You got an accident?" Kuinn repeated.

"No an accent, I'm from somewhere far away. That's why I sound—speak differently."

"Oh," Kuinn replied as if he understood.

"My Dad knows a Klingon once," someone spoke up.

"They yell a lot and kick stuff," Dyanna said matter-of-factly.

"They have big guns, even bigger than this ship!"

"Yeah and they talk funny too!" Kuinn cried out laughing somewhat maniacally.

"Gaaah mock, taaa daaa naaaaa!" Mikal added in, "that's Klingon for I'm going to kick your butt!"

"No it most certainly is not," Malcolm said taking Mikal's shoulder. "I think that was Klingon for Love and Peace."

"No it wasn't!"

"They don't even believe in Love and Peace!"

"I don't even know what those words mean," a little girl mumbled softly.

Malcolm closed his eyes and smiled brightly, "who wants a story?"

"OH!" All the kids exclaimed.

"I do!"

"Oh me!"

"I love stories!"

"Once my Dad—"

"Come on tell us!"

Malcolm smiled as best he could before sitting down on the ground, "okay kids sit down." All the kids anxiously sat around him and Dyanna sat in his lap. They all stared at him with wide eyes and even wider smiles. All those pointy teeth were making him nervous.

"Well," Malcolm cleared his throat, "back on Earth there's a story about three little pigs, and a big bad wolf…"


	6. It BIT me!

~*

"Ow!" Travis cried out, "he just _bit_ me!"

"Now Ensign," Ajla said touching his shoulder, "I assure you, all my students have had adequate shots," she turned sternly to the child who had bit Travis. "Qual," she chastised, "what did I tell you about biting?" She looked at Travis apologetically. "I'm so sorry, but at least he didn't break the skin."

Travis smiled in turn, "it's okay," he replied earnestly.

"What do you say to Ensign Mayweather?" Ajla asked Qual, who was blushing with embarrassment and hanging his head.

"Sorry," Qual said smiling through his pout.

Travis grinned, he couldn't help it, he ruffled Qual's hair then pulled his hand away quickly.

"I'm so happy that the captain decided to let my students come aboard!" Ajla said sincerely. "They get so few chances to get out, this is a real chance for them. A once in a life time experience they soon wont forget."

Travis smiled, all though it was more of a grimace. "I feel the same was, as does the rest of the crew I assure you."

Ajla smiled happily before her face clouded over, "Quel! What did I say about biting?" There were _two _biting children. Travis saw Ajla talking to a boy who looked identical to Qual. And _twins_!

Travis shook his head, it was going to be a _long_ day.

More soon! This is to be continued…anyways please R&R and let me know what you thought. No flames please!


	7. Revelations. Or the Captain sits back an...

~*

there's one tiny swear in this one! *Gasps* just to warn you.

"Captain!" Hoshi called out and Archer turned around. 

"What is it?"

"I was just…" Hoshi paused, "where's your group of children?" 

"My what?" Archer wondered.

"Your group of children, every crew member on this ship was assigned to five children. Where's yours?"

"Five children!" Trip cried out, coming down the hall way. Hoshi tried not to laugh. His uniform was covered in food just like hers. "My—" he stopped himself before he said anything he would regret.

"Were you going to say a bad word?" Atom wondered.

"No," Trip replied laughing.

"Yeah you were you were going to say 'Ten kids my A-S-S." Atom said matter of factly.

Errin giggled. "Ass!" She said happily.

"Atom!" Trip clamped a hand over Errin's mouth.

"Well it's true!" Atom replied.

Hoshi looked from Trip back to the captain, trying to make her point. All she saw was Archer smirking.

"Captain!" Hoshi exclaimed.

"What?" Archer yelped.

"I'm shocked," Hoshi said.

"I don't think I understand," Archer said.

"I think I do perfectly," Hoshi said smiling sweetly. Archer narrowed his eyes, he didn't trust that smile. It was far too toothy for his own good.

"Hey Trip!" Hoshi cried out, her hoard of children following her. "Wait up!"

yay! TBC


	8. Paybacks a--female dog...

~*

"So let me get this straight," Travis said, "the Captain has no charges of his own?"

Hoshi shook her head. "Nope."

Trip narrowed his eyes, "I don't believe it."

T'Pol herself looked mad…well…she _would_ have if she wasn't Vulcan. But she was just as stoic as ever. But a muscle _was_ jumping in her left cheek. "So Ensign," T'Pol spoke up, "we've have to," she paused, "suffer the whole day while the Captain gets to watch us like we're his own personal joke?"

"Sound logical to me," Trip replied. 

"Come on guys," Malcolm spoke up, "the kids aren't _that_ bad."

Everyone paused to look at him, he clamped his mouth shut. "Nevermind," he mumbled.

"The question is…" Trip said, "what are we going to do about it?"

"About what?" Atom piped up.

"Hey! Miss Hoshi lady!" a small girl was tugging on Hoshi's uniform, "Minly kicked me in the shins!" Hoshi looked up as the little girl led her over to Minly, who was hiding in a corner of the mess room. "I think it's pay back time.

What's going to be their revenge? Will _Enterprise_ ever be the same? To be continued soon! And please review!


	9. *scream*

Not exactly my best. But that's all right.

~*

Captain Archer shifted his eyes, he didn't like his crewman converging. Not at all. In fact, not one bit.

He also didn't like the way Hoshi smiled at him when she passed him in the hall. All eerie like she knew something he didn't.

He felt an ice cold shiver rake down his spine. 

And the way Malcolm laughed personally…to himself. Malcolm rarely laughed with anyone else, let alone _himself_.

And Trip! Don't even get Archer started on Trip! Him and T'Pol were conversing and looking at him. And T'Pol pointed and then they laughed. Well…Trip did anyway.

The buzzer to his quarters went of suddenly. He jumped and sat up. He hit the key pad, "yes?" he said tentatively.

"It's Travis," the Ensign's voice crackled over the intercom.

"What is it?"

"There's uh…" There was a pause and the sound of muffled talking, "something wrong on the—" more muffled talking, "I mean, there's something wrong, somewhere. Sir."

Archer made a face. Something wrong somewhere? The ship was pretty big, Archer hit a button and door whizzed open. Archer shrieked oddly like a school girl at the sight of the small alien child known at Minly.

"Hewwo," she said waving, her blue tail was twitching. She looked so out of place in the drab hallway. So tiny.

"What are you doing here?" Archer asked kindly, crouching down beside the cute alien girl.

Minly shrugged, "I dunno." She blinked with large crimson eyes and smiled, showing pointy teeth. Just like Ajla.

"Where's Hoshi?" Archer asked.

"I think I'm lost," she said batting her large red eyes.

"Well…" Archer said, he stood up. _Travis was _here_ just a second ago!_ Archer realized. So if Travis was there, then so was Hoshi he assumed. "Maybe you could find Trip or Hoshi."

"Me?" Minly wondered, "I don't if it's safe to let a child roam around _Enterprise_ all by herself. It's probably against some safety hazard." Minly said matter of factly. "Or what if I get stuck in a…John—no Jack—tube thing."

Archer heard a snort and he scooped Minly into his arms and leapt around the corner. Except no one was there!

"What the?" Archer wondered. There was another snort and he turned around. Atom was standing there now, chewing on a finger.

"Hi!" He said happily.

"Ass!" Errin giggled as she walked beside Atom.

Archer shifted his eyes…they were surrounding him! What could he do? What would he do?

To find out…tune in next Chapter for all the (exciting) details. Ps: I know Archer isn't like this, but hey, its for the comic element. So anyways…R&R and lemme know what you think.


	10. Cue Maniacal Laughter

*Cue Maniacal Laughter*

Whoop for Malcolm! Anyways, thanks a bunch for all the reviews! No infringement intended, none mine…[insert rest of disclaimer here].

Archer backed away slowly.

"Ass! Ass! Ass!" Errin giggled with glee.

What was going on? Where was his crew! Where were his friends! Where was _anybody_ for the love of God!

"Okay," Hoshi whispered, to Quel and Qual, "when I give the signal—"

"What's a signal?" Qual wondered.

Hoshi made a face, indicated Qual to use his inside voice. 

"I'll flap my arms around like this," Malcolm said.

All the children giggled.

"Really Malcolm this isn't the time!" Trip hissed.

"Shut up, both of you," Travis snapped, "we're wasting valuable time. Now, when Malcolm gives the signal, all you kids go out there!" Travis nodded at Malcolm who started flapping his arms. "Now go! Go kids!"

A horde of children ran down the hall straight for Archer, Kuinn flew onto the ground in a violent tantrum, screaming something about the hair on his chinny chin chin.

Mikal and a group of other kids ran around the hall crazily, crawling up the bulkheads.

"Oh no!" Archer cried, putting down Minly, "wait—you don't want to that," he noticed Kuinn crying and bent over, "what's the matter sweetheart?" He wondered.

"What does this do?"

"One time my—"

"Muhg nahh hammna go muh!" Mikal cried out triumphantly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Errin screamed clenching her tiny fists.

Hoshi shoved Trip into the hall, "oh, uh," he blushed. A small group of kids followed behind him. "_There_ you are Errin!" He said and Errin promptly stopped screaming, Trip took Errin's hand, "thanks Cap, for looking after Errin. You're a pal." He disappeared down the hall, a few other of the alien children following behind him.

"Minly!" Hoshi cried out, "what did I tell you about wondering off!"

"Miss Hoshi lady!" Another kid cried out and her group of kids crowded around her, "gee Archer, sorry to bother you. Kid's these days," she waved, "thanks! You're a pal!" She took Minly's hand and lead the kids in the opposite direction.

Suddenly Malcolm and Travis appeared and gathered up their children and before long John was standing alone in the corridor.

"That was bizarre." He mumbled to himself, if he wasn't awake he'd be sure it was some horrible nightmare. Suddenly he felt sharp teeth dig into the palm of his hand. "Ow!" He cried out, "it _bit_ me!"


	11. Trauma, oh the trauma!

The Trauma, oh the trauma.

"Well Captain," T'Pol said, watching as the other Crew waved to their children, over the past few hours the crew had grown attached to their charges, and some were even sad to see them leave.

"Bye!" Hoshi waved, "bye now!"

"Bye miss Hoshi lady!" Minly waved.

T'Pol looked at Captain Archer, "I never knew you had…such a knack with children," T'Pol did not find it hard to keep a straight face, but she saw the muscle in John's left cheek twitch.

"Well," he laughed nervously, "what can I say? It's the joys of childhood." He smiled, reminding himself never to do something like this again. Not _ever_.

The others gathered around John, he looked at them all suspiciously.

"Well I don't know about you," Trip said loudly, "but I'm beat."

"Me too," Hoshi yawned.

"I think I'm calling it a day." Travis said.

John shook his head, and made his was back to his own quarters. He had a pretty go idea about what they tried to pull. But thankfully all the children were back safely on their planet and he—as well as the rest of the crew, could go to sleep soundly.

John's door whizzed open and a pair of eyes blinked at him, "hi!" The small child exclaimed as everything faded to black.

That was crazy! Crazy, crazy, _crazy_. But I am ending it here, no one needs to be exposed to any further. Anyways, please write a review, but no flames.

:D


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